一起长大

26/4 哥哥在饭厅努力完成美术班上星期发布的作业。弟弟和爸爸则一起在客厅涂鸦。 让我惊喜的是，老大画着画着哼起了旋律（虽然我不知道他唱什么）。我猜想他应该是享受那个过程。 画完给他冲凉时故意问他：你做么一边画画一边唱歌的？ 他喜滋滋回我：因为我很喜欢彩颜色！ 我：以前我要送你去画画时，你说你不喜欢彩颜色。 他：现在我很喜欢！ 嗯，开心就好。这样就够了 28/4 我：妈妈给弟弟两个 Good，午餐吃饭吃光光，晚上有刷牙！ 弟弟：耶！！（手舞足蹈） 哥哥：那我有Good吗？ 我：你今天看电视超过时间了仍然没有停下来。也没有主动拿书看。没有Good。 哥哥：我想要Good叻。 我：那你赶快去刷牙！要做可以让你拿到Good的事情。 我转向先生：你今天也有Good。因为你煮叻沙给我们吃。（他翻白眼）那我有Good吗今天？ 先生：有。你今天没有发脾气骂人，所以有一个Good!

  Lessons I learnt and still working on (as a teacher and mother) during this trying time: 1. Accept that I'm in the situation. I have to work from home, in which the teaching and preparation take up a lot of my time, and I have my own kids to take care too. As much as I dislike it, I cannot run away from it. 2. Accept that it's okay to have feelings like frustrations, anxiousness, incompetence and even anger. But above all, guilt is the toughest feeling that I need to deal with. Be aware of them, observe how they come and go. Even if I fail to do so, it's alright. Just keep practising. 3. Lower my expectations. Refrain from comparing with others. I loosen out what I have expected from myself, my spouse, my kids and also students. Have compassion instead. 4. Focus on my circle of influence. Shift my attention to what can be done that is within my control. Let go of things that are beyond me. Focus in the now. I still complain and worry about things but once I'm aware ...

  I started using Google Classroom 2-3 years ago after attending a workshop on 'flipped classroom'. I use it as a platform to share some video links or additional materials with students so they can access from home after school. So, Google Classroom is not something new for me, except for I had to migrate to school's gsuite G Classroom. There's a bit of hassles there in the beginning but once everyone is on-board, it's convenient. 'Online live teaching' however, is something new for me. As a tech idiot, I was introduced to Zoom not by school, but by a friend from temple. We used it for a group meeting to 'social distancing' and thereafter for our first experimental chanting online. These all happened before MCO. I was actually worried that school might have to close down (after Brunei reported the first case) so I explored the possibility to use Zoom for teaching from home. And not too long after that, MCO was announced. I tested out Zoom with a few...

  第十天 两天前答应了老大要做手工，但我一直忙工作（网络教学）而没能跟他们一起玩。今天下午没课终于有点时间，利用现有的资源，让孩子们做了彩虹色的花。 这本绘本是弟弟很喜欢的故事之一。我几乎天天都得给他读一遍。他最近好像对颜色特感兴趣，在学习不同的颜色名称，常常问这是什么色，那是什么色。另一本他在沉迷的绘本也是跟颜色有关的，Mouse paint。

  晚上共修完，原本跟弟弟在玩耍的老大突然问我： 妈妈，万一我死掉后我会回来做人，还是去天上？ （看你要做人，还是天上。还是要去西方极乐世界。还是要像佛陀一样。） 如果我回来做人，还会看见你吗？ （不一定。） 老大开始哭，说：那么如果看不见你我会很伤心，我会想你。怎么办？ （那看我们有没有缘分。如果有，就会再见面。） 那我怎样去天上还是回来做人？神决定吗？ （我们佛教徒相信业力。看你做了什么事情。你自己决定的。如果你做了很多的善，你就可以去天上。要做人就要“儿童版五戒（省略）”，如果你做了很多恶，可能就会去地狱啦、阿修罗等。还是你要像佛陀一样涅槃。还是你要去西方极乐世界也可以。） 西方是什么都有是吗？*这个他一两年前问人死后去哪里介绍过，所以他比较熟悉。* （是。） 有冰淇淋、汽车…？ （有） 万一我死了，怎么去？我不知道路。你又不在。 （阿弥陀佛会来带你，如果你要去。他说过。） 他会记得我吗？ （会啊。你要常常跟他说话。每天晚上想他，他就会记得你。就像你的朋友常常有讲话，你们就不会忘记。） 那妈妈你要去哪里？ （我看我能力，回来做人，去西方，最好不用再轮回生死。） 那有没有不用再生死生死的？ （有。佛陀。阿罗汉。） 之后他就去跟弟弟一起开心唱Baby finger baby finger了。 这小子，也转变得太快了。 妈妈我还在担心他不懂做么突然冒出这个想法、我这样的解答可以吗。

When I started the school holiday, I thought it would be really a holiday. A break from usual teaching load, so I could rest a bit. Meet up a few friends. Read a book or two. And finish setting the exam papers, apart from all the markings of reports and assignments. Too bad things don't go according to plan. I stayed in front of the laptop almost whole yesterday and this morning preparing for online lessons this week. Not to mention that I still have quite a number of exam papers to set for first semester. Luckily my meals are taken care by the men in our family, my hubby, my dad and my FIL. I just feel sorry for my kids whom I don't really spend quality time with because I have to work. We have meals together, I bath them but not play or read together. I yell a lot lately. After lunch however, I decided to throw things aside for a moment, to observe them playing. I hope we all manage to sail through these waves safely. And lastly I also pray for those who work in the front lin...

16 March Movement control order 18-31March Not a lock down Keep calm Don't panic buy Stay healthy Spend time with family Pray more May all be well P/s: I drew those 2 days ago before the announcement made tonight. It was my initial plan for the school holiday 17 March 明天开始限制行动了。 今天有很多事情处理。 心情也随着外境起起落落。 拜科技之便，消息能快速传递，但也可能少了沉淀。 或许我得开始筛选，什么是需要看的，什么是看了无济于事却徒增焦虑烦恼的。把时间用在更重要的事情上面。 愿我更有智慧、 愿我长养慈悲。 愿我们没有危险 没有忧悲苦恼 没有怖畏 没有身体上的痛苦 没有精神上的痛苦 愿我们保持快乐。